Central Coast Birth Stories (ep 001): Lindsay, Sean, & Zen’s Homebirth in San Luis Obispo, California • Recorded with San Luis Obispo Birth Doula Caroline

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Hello everyone, Caroline here, your local Central Coast community doula and student midwife. One (0:06) of many, we have so many amazing birth workers on the Central Coast. I run A Stone Was Shown, (0:12) where I offer full-spectrum doula care, birth photography, postpartum meal prep and delivery, (0:18) and community gatherings intended to create well-resourced, well-attended (0:23) families from the get-go.

I'm stoked to be sharing with you the first storytelling (0:28) session of Central Coast Birth Stories. In this episode, I sat down with Lindsay Gates, (0:33) mother to Zen, wife to Sean, and we delved into her childbearing story from pre-conception (0:39) through a few losses to birth and now about two months postpartum. Lindsay's wisdom is rich (0:46) and from the heart as much as it is from the earth.

Lindsay Gates is a relationship coach, (0:52) somatic practitioner, mother, and wife devoted to helping women, especially mothers and mothers to (0:57) be, trust their bodies, reconnect with their inner wisdom, and cultivate a healthy relationship with (1:02) arrows as life force and aliveness. She is currently studying psychedelic assisted therapy (1:07) and integrates trauma-informed embodied practices into her healing and partnership-focused work. (1:13) Connect with her at wolfandmooncoaching.com and on Instagram at wolfandmooncoaching.

(1:18) It was such an honor to be in attendance at Lindsay and Sean and Zen's birth. (1:23) We're hoping to hear Sean's side of the story in the next few weeks. For more of my work and (1:28) to stay in the loop with these storytelling sessions, you can follow along on Instagram (1:32) at A Stone Was Shown or explore my website at astonewsshown.com. For now, we'll get into it (1:40) without any further ado.

Thanks for listening and enjoy the storytelling session, perhaps with a cup (1:47) of tea and in the central coast sunshine or whatever sun you can get wherever you are. (1:52) Lots of love. Happy listening.

(2:18) Decided that we wanted to have a baby (2:20) about six months into our relationship and we were sitting with ayahuasca and (2:34) it had a really beautiful it was a two-day ceremony and the very first night I felt like (2:47) you know we both kind of got the download that we wanted to have the baby and the second night (2:52) we ended up sharing the same mat so he ended up coming over to me and (3:00) I felt like I was simulating birth he was sitting behind me and I felt so supported by him in in that (3:09) um and he he could probably tell his version better he even sat with all men (3:18) in a different ceremony uh sitting with ayahuasca and um he felt like he met our child and so we (3:27) both even though it's so non-verbal we're not chatting during this time it all just was energetic (3:34) and spiritual and so without saying hey are you also feeling like we're giving birth or like we're (3:43) also meeting our baby or also calling in this child um yeah it was just known um between us and then (3:52) got to you know debrief about it later but um that's where it really started for for us um (4:03) and then for about not not long after I had my first pregnancy but then over two years I had (4:15) three miscarriages but the cool thing was I didn't realize until maybe after our baby was born (4:24) I don't know I'm not sure we had talked about before that ceremony um maybe starting to try (4:34) in two years and that was the day before my birthday which I know that because we were (4:40) leaving for Mexico the next day and I was like oh my gosh we're about Sean's bringing up having the (4:46) baby like this is so exciting like such a milestone in our relationship but then I was (4:52) like wait in two years I'm gonna be 40 like if we already know we're gonna like why are we waiting (4:58) two years so time passes we have a few miscarriages um but I kept like we got tested for genetics and (5:10) you know if I needed if it was low progesterone or all the things everything was clear um which (5:17) sometimes was frustrating because I almost wanted it to be like oh it's because you have low (5:22) progesterone just take some progesterone you know but I was also like oh great I don't have to (5:28) you know get over this hurdle too so it's kind of great that everything's coming back clear like and (5:35) good to go I'm just maybe it's timing or who knows so it was at times felt frustrating and at times (5:43) depending on the moment felt you know very reassuring um but back to that (5:51) day before my birthday comment we ended up conceiving two years later the day before my (6:01) birthday which is crazy yeah um the day before my 40th birthday which it didn't connect with me (6:11) um for some time that was like that is a trip like such a trip yeah I was like well that was (6:18) a very powerful seed planting yeah um really divine family planning yeah right so that was (6:26) pretty cool um yeah to kind of come be like to bring that full circle and like um but for hi (6:39) but yes but for me it just kept coming back to like this whole from conception to (6:47) um last pregnancies um to my birth process it just was all about coming back and trusting my body (6:59) like without that connection without that north star like just keep trusting your body like I (7:07) I think it could have taken us down a totally different path um because in some ways I feel (7:14) the system is sort of set up to not trust your body and I say like the system isn't like (7:22) so many of the systems um and so that felt like you know I don't know if I should say (7:33) radical or not but that's what I just kept tethering to um and yeah so once I so I was (7:44) pretty nervous because that was my fourth time being pregnant and I was so I felt pretty still (7:51) I felt very much like is this gonna work I felt pretty anxious like I felt um (8:00) I didn't and it was also confusing because I didn't have morning sickness with zen I didn't (8:07) have if I didn't have so many miscarriages it would have been a very blissful pregnancy but my (8:14) you know anxiety and uncertainty even though I was trusting my body it was like (8:19) oh my gosh it was just also hard it was such a practice um so I would get blood tests whenever I (8:28) felt like I needed some extra reassurance and working with a midwife and being able to text (8:36) and call her um was very helpful and you know some might say oh because of my age or that I've had (8:49) previous losses maybe I maybe it'd be recommended to go and be in a hospital setting but(8:57) it was quite the opposite for me I was like no I want to have a personal relationship with (9:03) my care team and be able to text and get reassurance so that was very empowering (9:09) very relational very supportive um and and I've been working with the same (9:18) midwife since the first pregnancy so um yeah it felt it felt exciting to be like okay I think this (9:29) this is a go this is really happening and um (9:37) and my first pregnancies I was like oh I don't want to find out um you know the sex of the baby (9:45) um I was like really there for the mystery and then by this one I was like just tell me like(9:51) I don't need any more you know surprises and I did do I did dual care for the first 20 weeks so I (10:00) went to um a DO um and that felt that felt like a nice bridge to me and I got a couple (10:15) um ultrasounds and then once everything was clear then I was I transferred well you know just (10:23) exclusively yeah it's like I remember I remember yeah I felt I transferred exclusively just to (10:33) midwifery and I just yeah I loved I loved having them come over for like an hour and just sit in (10:43) my living room and I just felt like I could cry or be silly or be like I don't know I have no (10:54) questions or have a million questions and I just felt it just felt so like a sacred remembering (11:02) like yes this is how I feel like it's quote-unquote meant to be like I just felt like this (11:10) this is beautiful and was very empowering it did help me very much so keep trusting my body (11:18) so um yeah highly recommend um and and so I did I did have a lot of questions I did (11:32) ask friends how they prepared um and I had to be discerning I'm someone that you know(11:44) likes to hear other people's experiences and then kind of try it on for me for example (11:54) one of my friends highly recommended doing hypnobirthing sessions and I was like okay (12:01) great she's had other pregnancies and births this is something that really worked for her (12:07) she already knows the experience of birth maybe I should do that because she's recommending it and (12:14) then I made the appointments and I sat with it for a while and it was like why am I doing that (12:23) like do I really need to do like is this for me you know and so I think there's so many (12:28) opportunities whether I was asking for advice or people are giving unsolicited advice like (12:34) to be yeah like what is actually for me and so to have that clarity to like sit with that and that (12:44) um even sharing with people or not sharing people like I'm doing a home birth um and just (12:51) being discerning of people saying that's really scary you know what's gonna happen yeah and even (13:01) my mom did my mom was felt very emotional and passionate um about me giving a home birth having (13:12) a home birth and I shared with her like I don't want to bring your fears into my pregnancy I know (13:20) you're coming from a place of like concern and care I will hear this I will hear you out but (13:29) after this one conversation like I'll set a boundary of like you need to talk to somebody else (13:36) about it or a therapist or for your my dad or but I no longer want to bring your fears with me and (13:48) you can talk to my midwife because she's experienced in home births as I am not so I'm(13:55) probably not the person to talk to about this like I can't yeah I don't I can't pull up research but (14:03) if if some of your fears maybe you need to look up some more research you know like are these just (14:11) stories or um yeah so sometimes I'd have to set boundaries and then she did call my midwife with (14:19) my midwife's permission um my midwife had offered it actually earlier um and my mom felt great about (14:30) it she they talked and I got a text afterwards saying oh I'm so glad you found her you know(14:37) like this is amazing like you know come to think of it you know it wasn't that long ago before (14:44) or it wasn't that long ago that you know like our grandmothers were giving birth to tell them (14:50) that it's more recent to do you know hospital births and stuff like that and so (14:56) I think that felt like a really big turning point and just less energy for me to like (15:02) you know feel like like put up walls against and I so that was helpful I also (15:12) bought a birth course that really aligned with me like and it was it's called wave works and it um (15:25) you know likens birth to a like a psychedelic journey which I was like (15:33) obviously um I was like yeah that that tracks um and it was a lot of like how to you know (15:41) simulate birth not just talking about it and I was happy to have it in my back pocket and I loved (15:48) the theory behind it but every time I felt like oh I should turn that on I'd be like I don't really (15:56) feel like simulating birth today you know so I was like I'm tired and um I have a an energy worker (16:06) that I've worked with for 12 years and I was like she tests like muscle tests and like asked good (16:13) job buddy um you know kind of like helps me to ask my body like what you know if it tests (16:23) like strongly or not and she basically put it like look Lindsay like don't be doing anything that(16:31) is taking your energy away from giving birth like save your energy for giving birth if even thinking (16:38) about doing something she's like why don't you just watch it and you don't even have to simulate (16:42) birth if that makes you feel better but don't be in you know conversations or putting yourself in (16:51) situations or taking a birth course that doesn't align you know like save your energy and that (16:58) framework was like oh yeah I think then I was like I'm not doing the hypnobirthing I'm not (17:03) watching I didn't even watch the birth I was like it just gave me permission to be like cool just (17:09) trust my body like if I need it it's there I did listen to a couple podcasts that I liked um (17:17) and like helped like just kind of figuring out like doing it my way was like I think (17:25) conserved my energy for the actual birth delivery labor of it all um (17:33) hi y'all future well present caroline here but future from that little combo (17:38) we had a brief break in recording and then we jumped back into talking about how Lindsay was (17:44) integrating pleasure into her birth experience so slight gap and then we get back into it (17:49) hope you're enjoying yeah so you were saying you were integrating um pleasure into your labor and (17:57) yes um and so did we talk about the midwife um yeah maybe start there okay so at our dress(18:09) rehearsal with you our doula and um our midwives I like I started at the top of my page with (18:20) trust my body in you know kind of like a like a word cloud like it was the best way to conceptualize (18:26) for me like how to write a birth plan and then I just kind of like you know went from there and so (18:35) in my mind I was like how is my how have I known my body my you know vulva vagina pussy to open up (18:46) in life it's with pleasure and so I assumed it would be very similar to um (18:56) the same way like sex and love and pleasure um brought us to this place of me being (19:04) pregnant so it made sense to me to like be full circle that you know pleasure and (19:14) you know intimacy would help relax my body enough to open up to allow for an easeful birth and just (19:23) to like be in my body you know with intimacy and pleasure I'm not like it's not as pleasurable if (19:32) I'm like in my head doing like logistics so um so sharing that with the team that day like (19:43) it did take a little bit of courage just to say like hey like is this cool with everybody like(19:49) I you know this is this is the only way I can think of that that I'm familiar with so are you (19:56) guys cool with it like we have a really small house but like can there be time where it's just (20:01) you know myself and my partner Sean um and and yeah everybody made me feel very comfortable about (20:11) it and um you know there's just like yes definitely so that that was helpful and (20:19) I liked what you were saying earlier that yeah you felt there was like a or you've been sharing (20:26) yeah it was just like a subtle stokeness about it like everyone was like we don't get it that often (20:34) but as birth workers it's like we see that for what it is which is so seamless of the (20:42) sexuality the erotic nature of it all just to weave it all together and I think it was just (20:47) really refreshing for someone to just tell it how it is and be like that might be a part of (20:51) my birth plan definitely and and you're helping me to remember that I had even like side chatted (20:59) with Sean like hey like I might need to use a vibrator even though we don't use that in intimacy (21:08) very often but like you know he's gonna be a big part of this labor too and I don't you know (21:15) expect him to you know do it all too so I was like you know I don't know when that you know he's (21:22) you know we've never done this before like given you know birthed a child so you know just having (21:28) that talk with him and bringing him in as as a partner like as somebody that's gonna co-labor (21:35) with me you know I think even in my own mind at some point I've just consciously or subconsciously(21:45) assumed like oh it's just the person that's pregnant does the laboring but I think there (21:52) needs can be a shift that's very powerful to really incorporate the partner whoever that is (22:01) into into it and give them you know just as big of a role and for that I thought of Sean as my fire (22:10) keeper like and going back to ceremony like someone that you know stays up all night and (22:17) make sure the fire is stoked is tended to is burning all night um which is a long job but it's (22:26) very it's very neat it's very supportive it's very um devotional um and there's also logistics (22:36) that go you know there's like chopping the wood you know making sure that's going there's physical (22:42) parts of it too and for me I thought of my birth as I would be you know my my part is the body (22:51) and maybe Sean's is more of the head or the logistics and so is and so is the midwife team (22:57) you know but for my part like I knew if I kept popping back into my head or I had (23:05) I don't know if the right combination of words here is like too much information you know if I (23:11) was like along for like the heady part of it like I wouldn't have been able to drop into my body (23:16) just like intimacy so or like thinking about plant medicine it's like that's when you have (23:21) like a bad trip yes exactly it's like pretty heavy and heavy so yes and I think that delighted Sean I (23:30) think Sean you know loved having a role and being included in it and it's also helping me to remember (23:39) that a couple of years ago I did listen to a podcast episode that was about um (23:51) yeah yeah is it should I pause for the um maybe playing sometimes it's so loud (24:00) it goes like right over the farm and when I'm having meetings you like literally can't hear (24:04) okay like hang on there's been like helicopters lately too yes weird okay so a couple years ago(24:11) I listened to a podcast about um how I don't know the exact title but something along the lines of (24:23) like how uh giving birth can like interrupt arrows in a partnership and from their point of (24:34) view it was it was a doula or birth worker that had seen how especially in hospital settings um (24:45) but it could be anywhere um but I think they were you know focusing on hospital settings (24:52) but when a woman or the person giving birth doesn't feel totally advocated for supported (25:01) by their partner subconsciously it can start to deteriorate the arrows and trust and you know (25:13) uh passion ability to totally (25:20) hi baby yeah I've seen and heard that show up in like people whose partners um (25:27) like faltered in moments like dealing with obstetricians specifically and um the women (25:33) felt a lot of grief around that and then and the husbands too just felt horrible for like (25:37) not being able to show up yeah and then in future birth they're like needing some redemption and (25:42) that realm oh absolutely and just like you know we don't know we don't know and you know (25:50) to miss an opportunity that you didn't know was available to take because I feel like (25:58) going back to the system not being supported to trust our bodies it's already you know can be set (26:09) up for opportunities that are taken that can be taken away from partners or the person giving (26:22) birth to to have that um autonomy um in their body and so I I wanted to not have our arrows be(26:37) put at risk and Sean had listened to the episode as well and so it was like how can Sean be a big (26:45) part of this that really brought us together like not only was I trusting my body but I was able to (26:51) trust my body so much because I trusted Sean to do his part so I could you know really surrender (26:59) into like he's got it he has he's doing the logistics he's handling that part um (27:06) and so it's beautiful there was a there's a lot more arrows in our relationship postpartum than (27:13) I was ever expecting and I think it's because we had such a solid um a solid birth giving day yeah (27:26) and yeah we're jumping into the birth now but I remember walking in and I was like I (27:31) I didn't it felt so strong so at first sometimes when I'm entering a birth space it feels really (27:39) delicate and like oh like I need to be like absorbed into the walls they can't know I'm here (27:46) yeah um because it would like take somebody out of the flow or like to your point of like Sean was so (27:53) embodied in the space sometimes when the doula and then the midwives or the medical team show up (27:59) I see dad start to falter they're like oh they know better oh yeah Sean did not (28:04) I love it and he just welcomed us in and kept doing his thing he was more aware of like what (28:12) we were up to but he was just like locked in on you and yeah it was like yeah it was impermeable (28:20) amazing which felt so good to come into um and I think speaks to like that trust you created and (28:27) um yeah like that that was your birth plan it was like wordless in a lot of ways yeah there really(28:35) wasn't I barely spoke to Sean that day and spoiler alert did not use a vibrator like um I didn't need (28:43) to um but I can I can take a couple steps back and start with how that day yeah how we got how (28:53) we got there but um that was the coolest day like of our lives like I would do it again this (29:02) weekend um I would too yes yeah I was like it was it was amazing um thank you for saying that (29:13) um and then we have this little sweet perfect baby (29:17) oh my gosh I can't handle it um so I you know I'm 40 and I had had you know miscarriages and (29:34) and there's always been kind of like you know treated when I was in those 20 weeks of dual (29:41) care you know I'm like geriatric pregnant person you know just so great we not think of any better (29:48) word and so just like all of that kind of scarcity feared mindset that is part of the system.

Um, I just didn't want to take any of that with me because I was like, I don't feel that way.

(0:33) Like, that's not my story. I do not feel that way. So, um, I, my due date was the day before (0:42) Thanksgiving in 2025.

And I was trying to, you know, set myself up for like, you know, (0:52) also with like the due dates of like, are they late? You know, and, and all those things. So I (0:57) was like, I don't want to be treating him like, you know, like, where were you? Um, you're late. (1:04) So I was like, that's a weird way to start meeting your baby.

So I just like change the due date, (1:11) um, in my mind to, to December 5th. Cause that was like the next full moon. And I was like, (1:18) full moons pull out babies.

So true. And I could just, you know, not be so like November 26 is when (1:26) he's coming. So, but it came November 15th.

And so 11 days before I was, you know, even thinking (1:37) he might be here. So I didn't think they even say they even say, I don't know with, um, you know, (1:47) older people, people, you know, my age having, you know, later births or, um, (1:56) so, and I really wanted to give birth at home and (2:00) I only had the window between 37 and 42 weeks in California. So I was super excited when (2:08) in the middle of the night at one 30 in the morning, (2:18) we're talking about you.

This is definitely where you came and knocking (2:26) for those that can't see this. He is in a good feeling. Really good.

(2:32) Sounds like he's coughing, but he's happy. Yeah. He's very happy.

(2:41) He just wants to be a part of the conversation. He was, it was one 30 in the morning(2:47) and my water broke naturally, which I guess is kind of rare because our midwife told us (2:54) later that she kept saying I was like a unicorn. Yeah.

Pregnant or birth story. And I was like, (3:00) Oh, tell me why. And I guess one of the reasons was because my water broke naturally early.

So (3:10) um, yeah, I reached over to Sean and I was like really sweaty in my pregnancy. So I was like, (3:17) am I sweating? I'm still, I'm still sweaty now. Um, post birth.

Um, but I was like, am I sweating (3:27) or did I pee? I was like, let's go to the bathroom. So we stood in the shower. I stood in the shower (3:34) and I, and it was pink, um, in the, in the water breaking.

So I was like, okay, that's a good sign. (3:41) And I was like, we should go back to bed. And Sean's like, I can't sleep.

I was like, well, (3:46) we're not going to sleep for years, so I'm going to go back to bed. Yes. Oh my God.

You're like (3:52) every midwife's dream of like knowing now I sleep. Yeah. I was like, that's yeah.

I was like, (3:58) that's the plan. Um, so Sean read to us a book that he'd been reading to us for a while and (4:06) actually finished it, which was great. I, you know, I got to sleep, he read and then, (4:12) um, and I wasn't having any contractions.

Like I was like, I don't feel anything. So like, (4:17) let's chill. Um, and then we woke up the next morning and I still wasn't feeling anything, (4:25) but Sean was in go mode.

The firekeeper, he like went to the grocery store to get things. They, (4:32) you know, requested, I was like, I want orange juice and, um, like put the car seat, (4:40) installed the car seat. Cause in case we needed to go to the hospital, filled up my car with gas, (4:45) like all those things, he was like running around doing things.

And I just laid in bed and, um, (4:51) I think it was around noon. I started feeling like period cramps and we have two cats and one (4:58) of them, their sister kitties, they'd both of them had been like roosting on my belly throughout (5:05) the entire pregnancy. But this time she just laid right next to it.

She didn't ever put a paw on my (5:11) belly, which was so nice. I just felt like she was like my little nurse kitty. And I put my eye (5:16) mask on and laid in bed and I was like, I think these are contractions, but it just feels like (5:22) period cramps.

And then the other kitty, she like was like charging our, um, (5:31) first supplies. Like we had like a bin, um, of all of our like blankets and the things that we (5:39) needed to get together. So she would either be sitting on the bin or sitting on the birth tub (5:44) bin.

And so I was like, cool. She's like putting her energy into, into that. So they each had their(5:50) own role.

And, um, and I think for a while I was kind of a little bit more heady. Like I was (6:02) texting Sean whenever I would have, I guess it was a contraction. It felt more like a wave or like(6:09) I felt like a cramp at that point.

So I'd text him like 1230, 1240. And then after a while, (6:15) I was like, I'm done doing that. Like, I don't want to do that anymore.

(6:20) And I walked into the bathroom and he was in the shower. And I remember somebody at one of (6:27) at one of the appointments, the toilet is like (6:36) that the toilet is called the dilation station. Yeah.

Sean was listening to Dave Ramsey, (6:44) which I was like, no, not the vibe. Yeah. I was like, pause.

Um, but I kept having this really, (6:53) the only way I can describe it is in the wizard of Oz when Dorothy is like walking through the (7:00) poppies and she kind of goes into this like dream state. It wasn't that I was tired, (7:08) but obviously it was oxytocin. And it was kind of like, you know, cause poppies make (7:16) oxy or like, um, opiates.

Yeah. And so it was like having the like nodding off, like, (7:24) I was like, I didn't need to sleep, but between waves or heaves or contractions or cramps, (7:31) I would just be like, Oh my gosh, I just need to like nod off. Um, so I had Sean get me two pillows (7:39) and put them on the back of the toilet seat.

And I just like labored backwards on the toilet. And (7:44) then between, between heaves, it felt like I would just lay my head down. And like, I, (7:53) I say heaves cause I knew that feeling from like, you know, from like throwing up like (7:59) outwards upwards, but it was more like heaves downwards.

Yeah. And at first part of the day, (8:06) I felt like I had the visual cause my eye mask was on, but I was like sitting on the (8:11) shore at the beach and I was like watching waves from like way far out and like kind of seeing the (8:17) waves come in a little bit more. So they felt sort of like, Oh, there's a wave out there.

(8:22) And then they kept kind of coming closer and getting bigger. And then I kind of learned how to (8:29) like ride those waves a little bit more. And for me, I work in Costa Rica at retreats, um, every (8:40) year for like a hundred women at a time.

And there's somatic sacred sexuality retreats where (8:45) we do a lot of breath work and focus on different parts of the body and they're like medicine (8:49) ceremonies, um, but with breath. And, um, I share that because a big part of it is sounding. (8:59) And what I'm there to help women or non-conforming gender non-conforming people do is, um, (9:09) is to really trust their voice and like that it is a instrument and it can really unblock (9:15) and unlock any tension, any, um, obstacles.

And so seeing how, you know, experiencing how (9:27) powerful our voices and how powerful sounding is. Um, I really brought that tool into (9:36) this birthing experience, but also I live in a duplex and Gary, this is my neighbor downstairs. (9:45) And I never thought that I'd be thinking about Gary during this time.

Oh, Gary. Yeah. But I didn't (10:00) know this, but Sean did text Gary.

Um, but which was great. But in my mind, I'd be like, (10:05) I'd be like having this like roaring bear energy and like seeing these waves and they'd be like, (10:10) oh, and Gary. Yeah.

It was Gary. I was like, I could smell Gary was like getting high from like (10:17) pretty early in the morning. So I was like, this is a trip for Gary too.

I had warned my neighbors. (10:25) I mean, everyone knows that Sean and I are like pretty blissed out, like lovely couple, (10:30) but I was like, I am having a home birth. Like, don't call the cops.

Like we're fine. (10:34) Yeah. It's a good thing.

Yeah. Uh, celebrate. Um, so yeah, exactly.

I like burritos. Um, (10:51) so, so after, I guess maybe it was like, so maybe, so like it's maybe a couple hours. Um, (11:02) I was thinking like, okay, you know, when you like have the flu, you just like want a bed by (11:08) the toilet.

It just, so I was like, Sean, make me a bed, which like, I'd barely talked to him at all. (11:13) And he made, he was like, okay, your bed's ready. And then I went to go like lay down and I was (11:17) like, nope, nope, no, no bed.

No bed. Um, I think he even put on music and I was like, no, just like (11:24) one word. No.

And he was like, you should try getting in the tub, which I didn't even know (11:29) he had put it together. I was like, oh, I had no idea what was going on. Like, yeah.

So he was like, (11:38) you should get in the tub. And my mind, I was like, do we even have it put together? But he did. (11:42) Um, and I was kind of, and I was scared.

I was like, oh, cause what if it, what if I, (11:50) oh, I kept feeling like I needed to poop. And I was like, I just don't feel like (11:53) accidentally pooping in the tub. So I was like, maybe not yet.

Maybe like I do need to poop. (11:59) So maybe the toilet is a good place for me. Yeah.

I didn't poop. I didn't. (12:06) Hi baby.

Yeah. (12:12) I didn't poop. Um, and John's like, I think you should try getting in the tub.

So he walked me (12:18) over with my blindfold on to the tub. And I was like, oh, this is really nice. And so I just (12:25) draped my body over the side of the pool or the tub.

And I just said, will you give me a towel? (12:33) And I could lay my head on the towel. And, um, I just, especially in the water, I had so many, (12:41) like, I felt like my paternal grandmother was there, which was very beautiful. And then I felt (12:47) like I had like such bear energy, like just like the spirit of the bear.

I felt like very much (12:57) was just there with me, like helping me kind of like bears don't care how loud they roar, (13:06) you know, like they're not, yeah, they don't feel subconscious about that. They don't care (13:13) if Gary's around, um, you know, like, don't worry about it. So anytime like my greatest tool was my, (13:21) was my sounding was my voice was my roars.

So whatever the sensation was in my body, (13:29) I just matched it with the volume or the strength of my voice. And that, and then that did make me (13:37) feel like I was like, able to ride those waves, like I was surfing with the waves, not just being (13:43) tumbled by it. And it's a totally different experience than like having the, for me, (13:51) it was a totally different experience than having like the flu or like, (13:55) you know, eating, you know, bad Taco Bell or something, you know, like in those moments, (14:04) you know, I don't, I don't roar like the bear.

I'm more like, Oh God, like kind of like suppressing (14:12) it or, you know, let's just get this over with, you know, but I was like, no, I have like full (14:17) permission to like, roar and be loud. And that was just like, so liberating and so beautiful and so (14:26) powerful. And just like, yeah, just like a reclamation of like, you know, anything that I (14:34) questioned, and just came back to trusting my body.

Sean was so helpful in also helping me to (14:42) remember my birth plan that I wanted to trust my body. So he was saying like, you can trust your (14:49) body, you're so strong, like really affirming me in those ways. I was thinking like, Oh man, (14:55) we're gonna be doing this for a full day.

You know, like, I was like, does he mean soon in (15:00) context of like, it's been 10 months or I don't know what that means. But he was watching my body (15:08) too. And he could see, you know, the bulge in my vulva and like was tracking it more than I, (15:15) you know, I wasn't touching myself in that way to like feel where Zen's head was at or anything.

(15:22) But then, but then I did and I was like, Oh my god, he's, he's crowning. And like,(15:29) oh, like this went way faster than I thought. Like I was also subscribing to these like,(15:36) you know, notions of like, it's gonna take forever.

And, and all I really had was, (15:42) you know, like, you had told me like, it's not like the movies, you know, and so I was like, (15:48) okay, cool. Because there is. And like, I've only seen like hospital birth movies where (15:55) they're saying like, you know, like, don't push like we need to wait for the doctor kind of things (15:59) like that.

So I was just like, Am I not supposed to be doing anything? But I was like, I haven't (16:03) been doing anything this whole time. Like my body's been doing it. So um, so I think around (16:11) that time when I like reached down and like felt his like, beautiful, velvety head.

I said, (16:19) isn't anyone coming over? And Sean was like, Yeah, Caroline will be here in like 20 minutes. (16:26) And then the midwives will come after that, which one of our midwives assistant was running a (16:32) marathon that day. And I guess Yeah, she was getting Sean's text because Sean was in connection (16:39) with them.

I just, you know, wasn't a part of that. He was great. Oh, really? It wasn't like (16:44) too much.

It was just every once in a while. That was lovely, perfect update. And then I was just(16:48) it was a really stormy day.

Yes, it was great. Like that whole week was pretty stormy. And (16:55) it's so chill and slow.

Because like, it was just empty. Because yeah, people like Yeah, (16:59) and people like don't drive when it's raining. And yeah, it was so cavey.

Yeah, it was so nice. (17:04) But yeah, he would I was just like going about my day. Yeah.

Like, la la la. Yeah. No urgency.

No. (17:10) Yeah, I was like, I don't need anybody here. Just watch me.

You know, bear. (17:17) So yeah, that was awesome. And so he's, and I guess the midwife assistant that was running the (17:25) marathon, she wears like an Apple watch or something.

And I guess she was, you know, (17:30) running her marathon and then like getting the updates from Sean. Yeah, so she was almost like, (17:35) you know, we were doing it together. And I had even thought of her too.

I knew on the 15th of (17:40) November that she was running a marathon. So I was like, Oh, look, we're both running marathons. (17:48) So yeah, maybe this is the part where you can like chime in with some of the logistics.

But (17:54) from my perspective, it was it was a stormy day. So our door was swollen. So like I did hear the (18:01) door like squeak.

And I do remember you said two things to me and to both of them. I'm pretty sure (18:12) I just nodded yes to both of them. I think one of them you said your rhythm is beautiful.

And I was (18:18) like, yeah. And then you said do you want any water? And I was like, not in my head. Yes.

And (18:25) then I sip some water. And then yeah, and then I think I think you were like, picking up a cup (18:33) and pouring water from the tub like down my back, which felt really nice. (18:38) Yeah, I was like, that was happening.

That was very cool. Um, yeah, Sean even had reminded me (18:49) that he had put his like, hand on me at one point. And I was just like, No, like, yeah, I just, (18:56) yeah, I was pretty much like, I just needed my space a little bit.

Yeah. And yeah, and then I (19:05) think like, what do you think, like, five or 10 minutes after you got there, the door squeaked (19:12) again. And I wasn't sure who it was.

It was either one of two people, the midwife assistant or the (19:19) midwife. And I just heard like plastic. Yeah, happening.

But she was getting I was like, (19:26) is someone getting like a hazmat suit? Like what's happening? You know, we're full baby. (19:30) Yeah, that was the assistant. And she came in and started going through those (19:34) kitty charged.

Yes, yeah, she was getting like warm blankets. And those logistical things. (19:43) Yeah, that was probably like five minutes after I got there.

Okay. And then like, (19:47) 10 minutes after she got there, the door squeaked again. And this was the midwife.

And by this time, (19:55) I felt so like, Zen's head had crowned. And I, I don't know how, like, some people have asked me, (20:06) like, how long was active labor? How long did you push? And I'm like, I don't know how to answer (20:11) those questions. Because I never really felt like I pushed.

I felt like I had two contractions. (20:20) And they're kind of back to back. Sean said it was like a breath between those contractions.

And (20:25) I don't know how many contractions between me feeling the top of his head and his head (20:34) coming out. And then a moment later, his body coming out. But(20:40) the midwife didn't say anything to me either, which was super cool.

She sounds like you I (20:46) kind of trusted the space. She told me that she didn't feel the need to interrupt the process by (20:52) taking vitals. Yeah, I was gonna say measurements.

Like, yeah. (21:02) Because she kind of someone kind of made like a, like a joke. (21:07) Later, I was like, Yeah, we're gonna take your vitals.

And I think the assistant said, (21:11) for the first time, and kind of laughed. And I was like, I don't get it. And so (21:17) I was like, What's that mean? And she's like, Well, usually, you know, (21:21) it's so regular.

Yeah, it's like, this is the procedure, but you you know, (21:25) it would have been erupted. I'm so glad that that didn't happen. Because she came, I think, (21:33) five or 10 minutes before.

He was just five. Okay, I do too. Yeah, like five minutes before, (21:39) because then it was just a contraction.

And it was then his head. And then (21:44) and then his body and I was kind of in my head about the movies. I was like, (21:49) because there was a long pause.

I think Sean said it was about four minutes between him crowning (21:54) and my next contraction of his head, and then his body and there was a part of me that wanted (22:02) to like, stop the sound like I felt like it was a very long like I had to stay in that one like,(22:10) don't pull back like don't like this is the time and I didn't have to push but there was a (22:16) there was a anticipation like I was sort of like my supposed to be doing something like that. (22:24) Whatever that four minutes was, I was like, he's right there. You know, it was like there was (22:29) a lot of pressure building up, probably for his head and his body to totally, you know, come, (22:39) come out.

And Sean said that, you know, he, he had rolled up his sweatpants and like taking (22:46) his shirt off and was in like a wrestling stance and was like, maybe one foot in and like was gonna (22:52) like gonna get in there if you know, the midwife didn't come but she did and it and you I think (23:01) caught it on video too, which is so awesome. I didn't see until a couple days later. I was like, (23:04) oh my gosh, videos amazing.

Um, such a gift. Thank you so much. Like amazing pictures.

And (23:13) that was the best. And yeah, so it was those two contractions and from start to finish from when I (23:25) was like in bed with the kitty at noon, then Zen or 1230 or whenever it was then came at 522 (23:32) p.m. And it was awesome. Yeah, it was.

And then I think then I feel like I was just kind of in a (23:43) daze like Sean was sort of like, okay, sweet. He calls me sweet. He's like, I'm gonna pass (23:48) pass him through and I like, take my eye mask off and kind of like start to turn around and (23:56) I just was sort of like shocked like, oh my god, he's like here like we did it like that though.

(24:02) That was it. Like, okay, like, I don't I didn't. Wow.

Like, I felt like I went like got my baby (24:10) because it was so psychedelic for me. I kept feeling like had all these different like (24:15) animal spirits come to me like the hummingbird and like, definitely the bear and deer and just (24:22) like, I just kept feeling like surrounded by animals and my paternal grandmother and then he (24:28) was there and when I looked at him, I saw Sean's paternal grandmother who is past and I've never(24:34) met but I was like, oh my gosh, I just was in on Zen and I were staring at each other. And then (24:40) I think the midwife assistant said, Zen was crying like, which I think is good.

(24:47) And because he was breathing. And then I think she said, talk to him. And I was like,(24:53) oh, like snap me out of my days.

I was like, Oh my god. Yeah. Hi.

(24:58) And then I just like intuitively like brought him to my breasts. And he just started feeding (25:05) because I was like, Oh, that will probably get him to stop crying. And then I was like, (25:09) Oh my god, that worked.

And I think I looked around. I was like, Is this right? Like, (25:12) it was so cool that like, no one was like telling me what to do, but just intuitively. (25:18) And I mean, yeah, I'm sure I maybe I got that from the movies.

I have no idea. (25:26) It's usually the opposite. It's usually like in the hospital setting.

Yeah, it's like, (25:31) suddenly nurses are like rubbing your baby, kind of yelling at you to talk to your baby. Yeah. (25:37) And then like, grabbing your breasts and like, shoving it in the baby's mouth.

(25:46) Yeah, definitely not. Um, yeah, I just like brought him there. So like, he was six pounds, (25:52) 12 ounces.

It was like, perfect. I mean, perfect. Everything was just awesome.

It was like, (25:58) just this little baby. And then I was just like, putting him to my breasts. He's just like, (26:03) and I was like, Wow, this is going really well.

We're talking about you. (26:09) And yeah, and then she helped birth my placenta. I forgot about that part.

I was like, Oh, yeah, (26:15) I'm like, I knew that. She helped do that. And we just sat in the tub with my placenta and like a (26:22) mixing bowl.

This floating in the bowl. Sean's like, arms wrapped around me. And I was just (26:28) so blissed out.

I think I looked around to everybody and I said, How's everyone's day? (26:34) It was so sweet. I remember you asking me that and I didn't know what to say because (26:40) any answer pale in comparison to the vibe in the room. (26:45) I was just thinking like, Oh, it's the weekend.

It's like a Saturday afternoon. What'd you guys (26:49) do today? I was doing this, but it felt, you know, it was just like, kind of like, Oh, (26:56) people are in our house now. And like, the hard part's done.

So like, we can just chat. (27:01) It was so seamless. It was like, yeah, like once you came more to the external, (27:07) yeah, you were, it's, yeah, it happens like that fairly often when the moms are just like, (27:12) back to themselves.

And it's like, we had been with you, but you were elsewhere. Meanwhile. (27:21) So yeah, and then I felt so prepared with like, especially that run through just with (27:32) me, just from little things like, you know, and then at some point, we'll ask you to go (27:37) to the restroom.

And this will be the first time that you might, you know, this will be the first (27:42) time that you'd be away from your baby and just thinking like, Oh, weird, you know, like, thanks(27:47) for giving me that heads up, like, and just going over protocols. I just felt so reassured by, (27:54) by all of that. Yeah.

And then we got to like, sit in our bedroom, like with our twinkle lights (28:07) on and like, do Zen's vitals and I had a tear. So the midwife gave me a stitch and (28:19) I was hungry. He made me like some toast with an egg on it.

It was amazing. And (28:27) it's just so beautiful. I just felt like it's such an earth mama goddess.

I was like, (28:32) I'm gonna work clothes for like, three weeks after that. (28:36) I love that about the pictures I took from postpartum. You're just like, still so blissed (28:42) riding the wave.

And yeah, it was earth goddess. It was so great. Yeah.

Um, (28:50) and Sean was so like, proud and present. And it just, it was like, we got to do it in our house. (28:59) And it just, and I had to keep in mind, like, it could go any way, you know, and I was just like, (29:06) like, it was actually going the way that we were hoping.

Um, yeah, I just felt so supported. And (29:14) we're in bed by like, 930. It was great.

I think everyone was like, home by their bedtime. (29:24) And two days later, we had someone come and do cranial sacral on Zen, which was beautiful. And (29:34) um, yeah, I just, and all of his checkups have gone so well.

And I chose to dehydrate the placenta. (29:46) Did you do that yourself? No, no, no. Yeah.

Yes. No, have it dehydrated. Yeah.

Kind of like, (29:54) laughing at the conversation we were having earlier. Um, hi all.

At the year’s end

It’s not about the numbers, though I think I would be somewhat surprised if I counted how many hours I spent attending labors/births/postpartum chapters this past year. I’m really not one for counting, for the admiration, joy, & wonder experienced in birthing rooms has made my heart grow wider than all the fields of my dreams, where love, what’s holy, our wildest dreams all come to meet with wind, matter, angel wings. There aren’t words, nor numbers, that could express all I witnessed this year. The grief, the loss, the joy, the earthquaking moments (most of them), the spellbinding hours (most of them). I’d need a thousand hands to count the true depth of the hours, the days, the families, the babies.

I’m not much of a night owl, but I am for the mothers & families I serve. I’ll wake at any hour for these women and parents, and their littles on their way.

I’ve always had a bit of trouble with work-life balance, and I threw whatever that means out the window when I stepped into midwifery more wholly in the last year or so. It’s a life calling, and it makes my life all the more whole & balanced for it.

This work has a glorious way of stretching me — but never taking me away from who I am in my heart, my roots, what my ancestors & dearest kin know of me. This work ebbs and flows, like any way of being, and in the deep core way of chills down your spine when you feel so entirely aligned with the work you’re doing on earth. Clay, my partner, tells me this is what the Japanese call ‘Ikigai’ — a word, less often utilized, to describe such a calling that wakes me at any hour with ease & joy.

My reason for waking, at said any such hour, taking me from my hummingbird daily buzzing to my night owl perch — holding awareness and presence like the tools that they are (oftentimes, the only ones that matter in a birthing space).

My doula work expanded beyond my expectations this year, and I can only bow deeply with gratitude for the families who entrusted me, welcoming me into their homes, hearts, & most sacred moments, however heart aching, however wonderful, however that ‘everything, all at once’ sensation.

Midwifery drew me in with a warm hug, and an occasional splash of amniotic fluid, meconium, & blood on my scrubs & gloves. Midwifery school, and assisting under my magical preceptor, feels like the holiest compost cycle. Dissolving what no longer serves, learning anew, and with such grace held for me. It’s an often unruly rhythm, and I truly lose track of space & time when I am wearing my ‘student midwife’ hat. At one moment, it all makes sense, I think I’ve got it. The next, I’m profoundly humbled. Such is life, I suppose, but I wouldn’t want this depth of life in any under context. I’ve been told (with farming, too) that if there’s anything else I want to do, to do that. I can’t think of a thing — this is it for me, & it’s holy, it’s grand, it breaks me, and heals me, and I hope it brings the same mystical, wondrous feelings to those receiving my care.

If you were in my care this year, I hope you know how often I think of you. Your power, your strength, your softness, your love-rich family. If you’re coming into my care for the coming year, I think of you just as often, and I hold you in this dreamy little home in my heart for these families, every aspect, every morsel, of home life & childbearing rhythms. It’s gritty, it’s heavy metal at times, and I wouldn’t change a thing.

It’s the work of crafting a world of care, connection, kinship, & sensitivity. Thank you for allowing me to do my work, and being in it right alongside me.

🕯️

A gift guide from your doula (for San Luis Obispo parents & families)

This season has not always been about gifting in the way it is currently known and practiced, but it has always been about families and communities coming together in the darkest months to spend time around the communal fires of heart & home. In our consumerist culture, I encourage you to think outside of the box when shopping for friends & family members who may be expecting a little one (or are within a year or two postpartum). We can change the culture around pregnancy, birth, and postpartum slowly but surely by recentering mothers and birthing people, and bridging the gaps that may come up in their care. Here’s a little list (really, it goes so far beyond this) with some San Luis Obispo gifting ideas for local families.

•••

Childbirth Education

Contact these educators & see about reserving a spot in their class for your loved one. Some may even offer gift cards.

• Zabrina Cox, Evidence Based Birth

• Kyla Worthen-Hall, From Seed to Soul

Perinatal Bodywork

• Jasmine Potts at Live Well SLO

• Katie Leach of Tend to Your Center

• Fatima of Espiral Birthwork

Postpartum Doula Care

• With a SLO Doula Connection doula!

• With myself, also (I do offer gift cards! Good for one year from birth.)

Dried Floral Bouquets & Garlands

• From Little Pea Florals (currently available for purchase through my storefront here!)

Ceremonial Offerings & Support

• Hannah Goldstein

• Tawny Sterios

• A Stone Was Shown

Postpartum Meal Delivery & Meal Prep Guides

• Wildflower Medicine

• Wild Trek Wellness

• A Stone Was Shown

•••

Guiding questions for your doula consultation

If you’ve landed here, it’s very likely you’re looking into hiring a birth doula. If that’s me you‘ve scheduled a consult with, hi! No pressure on bringing these to our meeting. I’m an open book & want you to feel seen, heard, & supported from the get go.

The main question to ask yourself at a doula consult — Can I picture this person at my birth? Or, perhaps a better way to phrase that — Can I picture myself feeling supported & relaxed with this person at my birth?

That may be a question you sit with internally throughout a doula consultation meeting. The ones you might verbalize will vary. I typically bring my contract along with me to review with clients, and sometimes that stirs questions for potential clients and reminds me of key points to touch on.

I’ll give you these initial consult questions in a list format. Shape them to fit your curiosities as you get clear as to what you want and need from a doula and the other members of your birth team.

First off, the questions I hear most often:

1. Do you have any clients due around the same time as my due date? (To which I say, yes, or maybe, but the babies tend to arrive in an orderly, timely manner! I like to think they sort it out amongst themselves before making their way.)

2. How many births have you attended? (To which I say, for all birthworker’s, quality over quantity!)

3. Are you certified? Through which teacher/organization? (To which I say, Carriage House Birth, and I share some details of the values that drew me to their programming.)

4. What’s a back-up doula? (Only the best thing ever for everyone’s peace of mind. Us birthworkers are a community, and we need one another. I’m ever grateful to the doulas who have backed me up over the years, and will always provide one for you & your family should something come up/I need a moment to pause & catch my breath to better support you.)

Now, onto the questions I occasionally hear:

1. How do you (the doula) see yourself supporting me throughout each twist & turn of pregnancy, labor & birth, & postpartum? (I’ll often ask how you see me supporting you, the mother/birthing family, but I’m always happy to share how I can actually meet those needs, and where you might need to seek outside support/another birth professional.)

2. What is your birth philosophy? (A long story - my birth philosophy is the same as my life philosophy, and I hope it resonates with you. I’ll save this answer for a proper consult. Name any cafe in SLO & I’ll meet you there!)

3. How can I contact you during the on-call period? (To be fair, I usually bring this up first, but I love when clients get around to it first. That way, we can be on the same page on this ASAP, and have an understanding of what it will likely look like for you to call me in.)

4. What else do you offer outside of doula support? (A lot! And, there’s a plethora of resources local to the Central Coast/San Luis Obispo that I can refer you to, as well. I highly recommend receiving bodywork, pelvic floor physical therapy, movement/yoga classes, and finding community for yourself prior to giving birth, or even prior to conceiving your babe.)

And, the best for last, the questions I love to receive:

1. How did you get into this work? (To which I say, that’s a long story, but it began in my early twenties, almost a decade ago now, when I began to feel the impact of societal norms on my own womanhood. That, met with a lifetime of feeling drawn to tending to mothers, my own & otherwise, gave way to this work I’m committed to now.)

2. What do you love about this work? (To which I say, every moment of it. In the exhaustion, the delirium, the pushing, the golden hour bliss, the birth story writing. The birth highs & lows. The prenatal relationship building. It comes back to community & down to the roots of the matter with this question. I could go on & on. I adore each family I connect with, and feeling how sacred this work is, how ancient it truly is, and the responsibility I carry in carrying that forward.)

3. What’s a poignant moment in your career? (To which I say, so many, and, all of them. Each birth is its own special kind of magic. Each prenatal, each postpartum session, too. There’s so much to this work, and the experiences of perinatal folks & growing families. Each birth is a sacred threshold, and a lesson in being human, taking care of self & another, and coming into loving awareness of our Earthly ways.)

4. What if X happens — will you be there? (To which I say, to the best of my ability, and should you want me there, I’ll be there for you.)

Did I miss any? Send me a note here or bring up an additional question at our consult, should I be on the short or long list for your birth doula options :) I hope you find a calm, steady rhythm as you go through the process of finding your doula match. If you’re in SLO or North Santa Barbara County, you can schedule a free consultation with me here.

Sending care to you!

Xo

Caroline

Community Resources List

San Luis Obispo Midwives

• Erin Ashley

• Jennifer Oquendo

• Alexis Starting

• Katrina Buldoc

• Mishell Whitacre

• Alia Clark

San Luis Obispo Birth Doulas

• Jes Godsey

• Moira Madsen

• Caroline Smith

• Tawny Sterios

• Holly Clark

• Zabrina Cox

• Nikita Bruxley

San Luis Obispo Postpartum Doulas

• Veronica of Wholly Womb

• Caroline Smith

• Jes Godsey

• Tawny Sterios

• Rylee Ionascu

San Luis Obispo Lactation Consultants & IBCLCs

• Lisa Boyd

• Rylee Ionascu

San Luis Obispo Placenta Encapsulators

• Rylee Ionascu

San Luis Obispo Massage Therapists

• Jasmine Potts

San Luis Obispo Pelvic Floor PTs

• Jessica Chellsen

• Lauren Edwards

Central Coast Abdominal Massage (Sobadas)

• Katie Leach of Tend to Your Center

• Fatima of Espiral Birthwork

Central Coast Meal Delivery & Preparation

• Sacred Motherhood Meals

• Wildflower Medicine

• Wildtrek Wellness

• A Stone Was Shown

Central Coast Maternal Mental Health Support

• Bloom Maternal Therapy

• Tawny Sterios

For emergencies & urgent support, call the SLO Postpartum Support Hotline -

For emergency medical care, call 911 immediately.

Reading List Recommendations ~ A note from your doula

Books:

Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom by Christine Northrop, MD

The Rhythms of Women’s Desires by Elizabeth Davis

Heart & Hands, A Midwife’s Guide to Pregnancy and Birth by Elizabeth Davis

Orgasmic Birth by Elizabeth Davis

Birthing from Within

Podcasts:

ARC Woman